Abby Arend

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My story is far from normal. It honestly isn't the easiest to tell. There are twists and turns, ups and downs, highs and lows. This story of mine is messy and broken, but that is what makes it so beautiful. That's what allows the light of the Lord to shine through. The cracks, the bruises, the tears, the imperfection, it's all apart of the journey, all apart of being made new, being made beautiful. Something I have learned is that God doesn't ask us to come to Him with a full face of makeup on, freshly washed hair, and an outfit that screams Instagram picture. He asks us to come as we are, bare faced, messy life, and heart that longs to be fully loved and fully known. He calls us beloved and He created us beautiful.

Apart of me wants to hide the real brokenness of my story in hopes of presenting a more "put together" girl. But that truly defeats the purpose of having a testimony. I believe I was given this life, these struggles, this story to help the next girl out there feel a little less alone. I believe the purpose behind the pain and tears is to equip me with the strength and wisdom to pour into another sister or brother in Christ.

I just realized I never said my name! How funny. My name is Abby Arend. I am 19 years old and am a sophomore at Nova Southeastern University where I play volleyball! I am a born and raised Texas girl, no I don't have an accent, who has grown up with an amazing family. I have two siblings, Will who is 21, and Claire who is 16, as well as two selfless and supportive parents, Bill and Kira. To say the least, I am your typical middle child... lol.

I love sunflowers, VOLLEYBALL, sunshine, the beach, anything chocolate, and well of course Jesus. On the outside, I seem to have it all together. I am most likely always smiling and laughing at my own jokes. But I also battle clinical anxiety disorder and depression. Yep. That'll change the mood.

I was diagnosed when I was ten years old, it has been my greatest battle ever since. I also view it as a blessing. Because without that struggle, I would have never found Jesus the way I have. It took me years to view this diagnosis like that, a blessing. It also took me years to overcome the identity I had placed in being so broken, so anxious, and so sad all the time. For years I kept myself in the small bubble that made me feel safe. I stayed confined to the four walls of my bright blue bedroom and peace sign bedspread. I never tried too hard, always put enough effort in to get by, but I never EVER stretched myself or pushed myself to be better or stronger. What if I put everything I had into volleyball but it still wasn't enough? What if I pour my heart into my friends only for them to leave me when someone cooler or better comes around? What if I study SO hard for this test and still fail it? My brain functioned like this. Countless "what if's" and worries controlled my every step, every thought, every breath.

It wasn't until 2017, seven years after being first diagnosed, that I finally hopped off the fence of "what if's" and stepped into the freedom of "even if."

In 2017, I started Project40thirtyone. Project, to my surprise, blew up the first couple of months. I was able to host events, speak at church and school, make t-shirts, and sweatshirts. Project's first year was honestly the most successful year we've had.

2018 was my senior year. This was the year I quit volleyball and the year my grandma suffered from a stroke. 2018, out of all my years battling depression, is the year I will never forget, but often want to. I wrote countless blogs, Instagram posts, and even filmed a video regarding my depression, all of which I deleted before I left for college. I was embarrassed. Ashamed. I knew what I had posted had helped so many other people out there who felt alone, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that what I had to say was not important, of no value, and wouldn't help anyone. It took me a full year to recover from the suffering brought on by my depression. During that time I started playing volleyball again, was going to Baylor University, and planned to stay real close to home. Long story short (the full story is on my blog) spring break of 2019 I committed to Ohio University where I played volleyball this past year.

My time at Ohio was much shorter than expected but I grew leaps and bounds while I was there. It is crazy to me because for the first time in my life I was constantly surrounded by others, but was the loneliest I had ever been. The Christian community my heart longed for just wasn't there. And to walk this walk of faith alone for the next three years was something I genuinely didn't think I could go through. So this past February I entered the transfer portal where I would eventually find Nova Southeastern University where I am currently a redshirt freshman setter. Nova is home. And I can say that confidently because of the work God has already revealed to me.

The twists and turns, ups and downs, highs and lows that I mentioned earlier are woven together throughout the past almost twenty years of living. My senior year was easily

the lowest low, committing to Ohio was a huge twist, transferring to Nova was very much a turn but also a high, probably my favorite high in a very long time. My story is a mess. And it would be super easy to go through and clean up a few pieces here and there for the sake of my pride, but I’m not going to. I’m not going to in hopes that the person who does read all the way to here, can leave this site saying “I am so not alone.” That’s my hope.

And that’s honestly the goal of project40thirtyone. To help girls out there feel a little less alone, and a little more loved.

So what do ya say? Would you like to join me on this journey? If so, come as you are, brokenness, imperfection, come 100% you and

Soar with me.

xoxo, Abbs

Friends!! Hello!! My name is Abby Arend and I am SO glad

you are here!! Before we get into the deep stuff, I thought

you might like to get to know the girl behind the screen.

For starters, my favorite color is pink, but sometimes it’s

yellow. This has been a dilemma of mine for quite a while.

I am 20 years old. I laugh at my own jokes. I love taking

pictures, going to the beach, watching The Vampire Diaries

(for the hundredth time). I adore the sport that is volleyball,

so much actually that I play in college! I am a sophomore

volleyball-er at Nova Southeastern University where I am

studying communications and digital media. I am a born and raised Texas girl, no I do not have an accent, sorry to disappoint. I have two siblings, Will who is 21 and Claire who is 17, as well as two selfless and supportive parents, Bill and Kira. I have grown up surrounded by not just my immediate family but also my 12 other cousins who all live within 15 minutes. My childhood was one I hope I can give my kids one day. There was never a dull moment, always a popsicle to be eaten, movie to be watched, game to be played, and always a shoulder to lean on.
Some of you may be asking yourselves how a girl who seems to have a wonderful little life could have a story to share. First, I hope you know we all have a story. There is always more to someone’s heart than what you see on Instagram. Second, I do have a wonderful little life. I am blessed beyond measure. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t an internal battle or an internal messiness. I would consider my story to be a mess. Truly. I have been a mess, I am a mess. There is a whole lotta messiness on the inside and true transparency, there is a whole lotta messiness goin on in my closet and/or room… sorry mom.

My mess however, has turned into my message. It has turned into a testimony. And it has brought me to the feet of Jesus.

So yes, I do have a story and I want to invite you into it. I want to share some of my heart with you, like I would to a friend. I want you to see that even the silliest, happiest looking person has scars too. They may not be visible, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. I think that is an all too familiar feeling for a lot of us. Hiding the struggle to come off as put together. At least that's how I spent many years of my life living.

In 5th grade, I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety disorder and depression. This is my greatest battle, my longest fight. It does not come from God. It is not heavenly. It is not something God decided to place in my heart just to hurt me. I want to make that clear. Anxiety and depression, mental health disorders, pain, hurt, sorrow, comes from the enemy, not from Jesus. But it is Jesus who has turned it to be used for good. And without knowing anxiety and depression the way I do, I would not have found God the way I have. What the enemy meant for evil, God used for good.

When I was diagnosed, I was ten. I probably didn't even know how to spell depression let alone overcome it. But the second a title was put on my illness, a title was put on my life. I soon became this girl who knew nothing but her battle. I hid the fact that I went to a counselor. I never told a soul that I was taking medicine. I wouldn't dare say I had anxiety and depression, not after growing up in a community that praised perfection. And definitely not after Instagram became so big and SnapChat became the main form of communication. So I stuck to what I always did, I would say I felt sick when I was having an anxiety attack at volleyball, tell my friends my mom wouldn't let me sleepover because we had "plans" in the morning, say I was happier than ever in my Instagram caption when in reality I was more depressed than ever. Anything to avoid using words that tied me to mental illness.

It wasn’t until the summer of 2017 that I finally began to see my illness as my strength and not my weakness. This was the summer I started Project40thirtyone. This was a huge turning point for me. Probably THE turning point. Project40thirtyone doesn’t just serve you all, Project serves me just as much. I finally began to speak out about my battle with anxiety and depression, I shared my struggles, I took off my mask, and I stepped into the calling God placed on my life. That calling; to be the person I needed when I was ten, to be that voice, to be a light.

Over the past three years of Project, I haven’t been perfect, but I have grown.

My senior year, I “quit” volleyball, my grandma suffered from a stroke, and I sat in depression for six months. That season changed me. Long story short, I started playing volleyball again three months after I had quit and in April I committed to Ohio University to play college volleyball (read the full story here).

When I got to OU, I struggled with wanting to continue Project because I wasn’t the girl I was when I started this journey. I also felt embarassed by my struggles, embarrassed that I was depressed for as long as I was. It truly took me a full year to be able to speak up again.

I spoke up, but then felt my voice get more quiet and quiet as the school year went on. My heart began to grow tired,

my soul wasn’t well and I was not happy. Ohio University is an amazing place to study, I was apart of a super talented team, but the environment I was in was dark. None of this is news to my friends and old teammates from Ohio.

They knew OU was a very hard place for me to be. So in February I got in the transfer portal. This basically meant any school that needed a 5’8 setter could contact me. Things got complicated when quarantine hit.

My Story

But God yet again came through. Nova Southeastern University, where I am now a student athlete, was actually an answered prayer. This leads us to today, August 1st the day I am finalizing this little story of mine and hopefully sharing with the world.

That’s my hope. And that’s honestly the goal of Project40thirtyone. To help girls out there feel a little less alone, and a little more loved. So what do ya say? Would you like to join me on this journey? If so, come as you are and come soar with me.

xoxo, Abbs

The twists and turns, ups and downs, highs and lows that make up my story are woven together throughout the past almost twenty years of living. My senior year was easily the lowest low, committing to Ohio was a huge twist, transferring to Nova was very much a turn but also a high, probably my favorite high in a very long time. My story is a mess. And it would be super easy to go through and clean up a few pieces here and there for the sake of my pride, but I’m not going to. I’m not going to in hopes that the person who does read all the way to here, can leave this site saying “I am so not alone.”